A Renewed Hope

Third times a charm?! We are in a waiting time frame again after a third transfer! There was a second failed attempt in October. I thought for sure we were going to have a positive result from the transfer! Knowing that again I had done everything possible to make it a successful one helped to sooth the pain of loss but I still felt responsible for the embryo. I admit I was in a funk.I'm the type of person who, when she sets her mind to something, likes to see results! And then knowing that the family was also suffering loss added to the tug on my emotions and added to my frustration.

I know I have a pretty attentive and supportive husband. He is so very protective of me and I know he doesn't like to see me hurting in any capacity. I adore this level of attentiveness. As the hormones began cycling out of my system and my body was regenerating, I just felt the enormity of the situation while at work one day. I know that I can always count on my husband to cheer me up so I had texted him a few times and his responses were encouraging and supportive. I headed out to lunch to run a few errands and upon my return I had flowers on my desk from him and a simple note declaring love with it. I lost it and started balling. Why? So many reasons but I'm guessing hormones mostly. I'm a lucky girl to have amazing support from her partner in life. The sorrow felt for the family was overwhelming and I was frustrated with lack of results but a simple gesture from my husband was just the ticket to get my head back in the game.

Fully recovered, it was time to focus on the possibilities of a third attempt. Mental preparation is so much more a part of this process than I counted on. For this reason I have clung to my faith and come to the realization that nothing I do is by my own power but it's all for His glory. God is the devine creator. All blessings come from above in His time. With that said the fertility doctor suggested that upon the third attempt, a two embryo transfer take place. My heart started racing. Up until now a single embryo transfer seemed most safe and standard. So many thoughts started racing through my head. What if both take? How will I work if both take? What about delivery? Then there's recovery. I started breathing most heavily. What if neither one takes? I can't even go there. I have to put my trust in God!

It is the family's decision primarily weather they transfer one or two but I had the right to say no if I wasn't comfortable. I decided to say yes because nothing else had worked so far and I know how much they adore children and want more. There is no way I could deny them every chance possible for another child. So here we are twenty-four hours post transfer of two embryos. I told myself I wouldn't over analyze every symptom or sign for possible positive results but I think that's impossible to do in this situation. All I can do now is trust in God. He knows the desires of all hearts involved and is the ultimate creator. It's all in His hands now. First blood test is January 7th. A good day I think to get good results!

Lamentations 3:27

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart's desires. 

A Sad Day

Well the quick update is that the transfer didn't work!  So much went into this process. What happened you ask? I don't know...all the shots, all the meds, all the resting didn't result in the outcome expected. My first blood test to search for the pregnancy hormone was at a 6 followed up two days later by 17 and then another two days later by 26. Apparently these are really low numbers and should double every 48 hours. Mine did not. One last test was done four days later and that one came back at a 5! Discouraging to say the least. So many emotions run through me at the moment. I'm a results kind of person and feel like I failed. I know this is out of my control but then I step back and remember that while I'm feeling disappointed there is a family that just experienced a loss which far outweighs my disappointment. It's the whole reason I wanted to be a surrogate in the first place, to help those wanting children, and here I am not able to do that for this family. Sigh. I look back over the entire process and analyze every moment to see if I can pin point any one thing that could have caused this to happen and when there's nothing I think, could there be something wrong with me? I have to remind myself that the doctor looked over everything and would not have proceded with the transfer had there been something wrong. It has to be one of those things that's all in God's timing and He knows the big picture. I take up hope that the next attempt will be successful and that the little child to be must have a very special purpose in this life. I pray peace over the heart of the family and that they find comfort in the arms of God. As for the next attempt, I'm not sure how soon I can start the process again. Obviously my body has to cycle but then how soon the shots start up again are yet to be determined. It's all part of the journey and the lessons we learn along the way. The weather outside here is changing which means a new season...with the new season comes new blessings. It's a beautiful season and one of my favorites!

Where Does The Time Go?

Wow! A whole month has gone by without a post. Where has the summer gone because it has official ended! Kids are back in school and we are back to routine! What's been happening you ask? Well, let me tell you. The hubby and I have been finishing up all those fun shots I wrote about in my last post. It's been quite the interesting evening event this last month as the hubby was out of town for several shots and I needed to find friends to administer them. It was quite comical all the locations they took place too. While dropping off the little man at football practice (had to drop my pants in the parking lot), at a Red Robin after dinner with friends, and I even taught my 13 year old how to administer them. She said she wants to become a midwife but after the sight of the needles she is slightly more apprehensive. I am so very proud of her though and I was amazed at the calm demeanor she maintained. Very professional. :) That girl is going to do great things one day!

I'm feeling quite like a used pin cushion these days. Ouch! My hips are starting to really not like the shots and the pain from them is really my only side effect during this process. Anyway, my shots are over in a few days (woo-hoo!) because embryo transfer was August 22. That was the most amazing and surreal experience ever! Watching a multi celled, live embryo with all it's cells rapidly forming go from a petri dish to uterus was so miraculous! After transfer there were a few days of bed rest and couch duty. Now I'm on light duty for the next few weeks as we play the waiting game. I think the worst part is not being able to exercise because I think the shots cause slight weight gain. Mix that with no exercise and presto, an extra 7 pounds. Just waiting for the all clear to start aqua aerobics and get back in the swing of things. We are now waiting to do blood tests to confirm the hcG levels and confirm a technical pregnancy. The exciting part!

So, this is where I'm at today! Waiting. Did I mention that I'm loving Orange Juice? Multiple pitchers over the last few days. Hmmm....it could be a sign. Trusting God for continued health throughout the next nine months. I'll keep you posted and I know more!

Let The Fun Begin!

Today is the first day of injections! I never thought I would ever have the guts to give myself a shot in the gut. So glad I can now check off, "Give myself an injection" off my bucket list. It was really high up there too! (NOT) I was very fortunate to have a friend to help me through it the first time. I got a call from the nurse to explain the how to's but I'm a visual / hands on learner. I was pretty nervous but my friend took charge and said this is what you do and I did it! Very grateful to her for holding my hand through it.

I got all my meds in the mail two days ago. Just in time too because I'm ever so patient and kept calling on Thursday to confirm the order. They had to overnight it because there is no Saturday delivery and I started on Sunday, today. What an overwhelming sight when I opened the box. I have everything needed to get me through to the transfer date. Meds include: Lupron (injectable), Doxycycline (antibiotic for me), Florajen (probiotic for me), Baby Aspirin, Cipro (antibiotic for hubby to make sure he doesn't pass anything to me if he gets sick), Estradiol Valerate (injectable), and Progesterone (injectable). To top it all off there are enough syringes for all meds to get me through to the transfer. I think the sight of the syringes is really what made me apprehensive. But I did it and that's all that matters! I'm ready for this!

And so begins the countdown to transfer...25 days left. It is incredible how much science goes into the creation of a life. It's mind blowing! I'm interested to see if I'm still this positive in a few weeks when the side effects start up. Fingers crossed they will be mild to none. And now that I've mastered the Lupron shot (after one shot I'm now a master?) I will have to conquer the next two. The needles are HUGE for those two! EEeeek! The hubby gets to administer those inter muscularly though. Yes, he is having a great sense of humor about this! Quite thrilled that he gets to stick me in my tuchus.

So now I am on the Lupron shot and the Pill until August 1st when it's just the Lupron shot. Blood test August 6th and then on the 9th I start all meds listed above except Progesterone and then another blood test August 14. Then I start Progesterone on August 17th. Phew, good thing I have a calendar that tells me what to take on each day! Otherwise I would be a little lost. Grateful to the team at ZFC. They are wonderful and so patient with the questions I have. I'll keep you posted on any side effects. Have a great week!

It's Official!

Well I finally got  the confirmation! I'm officially a surrogate.  The contract is signed and we are waiting for meds to ship.  What a crazy year plus it's been. Weight loss, background checks, medical screening, anticipation of meeting intended parents, and so much more. It's all so surreal! I'm still as excited about the process as the day this was set in motion.  My husband by my side the whole way.  I'm so lucky to have someone who supports my dreams and help make them a reality.  I know there will be sacrifices along the way but to be able to help make another family's dream a reality is so much more rewarding.  I hope that as this process unfolds and the community becomes more aware that they are supportive too.  (We live in a small town) I'm just not sure what the rumor mill will produce.  I'm sure some of it may be comical at least.  I know that surrogacy is not something everyone approves of which is ok,  but I hope the comments are respectful.  I know that my strength to go through this is only by the grace of God and not my own.   I feel like I've been given a great opportunity to bless a family.  While I may never understand the struggles of infertility I hope that others become aware and through this become more supportive of those wanting children of their own and avenue they pursue to achieve a family.  I'm exited for what the future holds. It's all in God's hand now... and the fertility doctor's!  :) Please ask questions but please be respectful. And sorry,  I will not be answering questions about the intended parents. 

Frequently Asked Questions:

Is this my egg?
No.  I'm just the gestational carrier (GC).  Another term is surrogate carrier (SC). Or as I prefer...extreem babysitter of sorts. 

Will I have a hard time giving the baby up?
No not really.  I will be curious to see the little person I've carried all those months but it's not my child so I think it will be easy.

Will I have to give up anything? Well yes but that's pretty normal for a pregnancy.  Healthy is my goal and I feel like I've been in training for a while now with weight loss.  I have been soda free for two plus years but I might miss the occasional cup of designer coffee.  :)

Is my family supportive?
The immediate family is supportive. This helps a lot. I'm grateful to them for understanding.  Not many of the extended family is aware yet.

HOPE

Hope: I trust you all had a pleasant Memorial Day weekend! A big thank you to the men and women who have fought and fight for my freedom. I am very blessed to have freedom in this country.

Our little family had an amazing time with friends and family over the past several days. It started with a few fast hours together with my best friend in the whole wide world. I hadn't seen her in about 7 years. We only had a few hours together to catch up (sooo not long enough) but it was wonderful to see her! Then we drove to visit family. We haven't been out of town to visit them in over a year and a half. It was a wonderfully laid back weekend. I haven't had one of those in so long that I cant even remember the last time. Weather, food, and family could not have been more perfect. It was hard to say goodbye.

*Side note...Recently a friend of mine announced she had recently suffered a miscarriage. My heart was broken for her. I know they have been trying to conceive for many years now and this is not the first loss they have suffered. They would be the best parents ever, this I know. Then, while visiting family this past weekend I found out that a family member had also suffered miscarriage, her fourth. They have two children already but are wonderful parents and I feel they too have so much to offer to more children. So much sadness for them.

What I really feel is guilt. I have been blessed with two beautiful children. How is it that I have these two blessings and these other couples have known loss? I too suffered a miscarriage but it was between the two successful pregnancies. My husband and I were not really trying and didn't plan according to proper fertility cycles so when I miscarried it was due to improper implantation. Basically it didn't attach to my uterus very well during the right part of my cycle. I didn't go much more than eight weeks pregnant. I do know what these women have been through emotionally!

Over the past couple three years this issue of infertility amongst friends and family has been weighing heavy on my heart. I have wanted to do so much but have not known where to start or how to help. I had a conversation many years back with my friend and offered to carry her baby if I could. The thought shocked me as the words came out of my mouth. Would I really do that? It was more taboo several years ago but the thought has stayed with me.

About two years ago I started looking into surrogacy more seriously as a reality. Since being a surrogate for my friends/family hasn't been a feasible option, I've thought about pursuing this option outside my known circle of friends and family. With media influences such as Giuliana and Bill Rancic, Sara Jessica Parker, and Nicole Kidman just to name a few...the idea of surrogacy has been gaining a more positive view. I started researching the entire process of surrogacy. I've been very fortunate to have found a reputable nurse attorney who matches gestational carriers(GC) with intended parents(IP). Jackie Gorton nurse attorney has been an amazing guide through this process I've begun to enter into. Yes, I'm now in the process of becoming a surrogate! So exciting!

This has been an amazing journey of self discovery. I've become more healthy by loosing weight, eating right, and exercising. That part alone has been an empowering process. Since last October I've lost 43 pounds. Yeay me! Even if surrogacy doesn't ever happen, in the end I've discovered a new strength within. The lessons learned along the journey have been tremendous and am so content to discover who I am within.

Why surrogacy? Well, I still feel like I have the ability and desire to carry a pregnancy and thought that through this process I would be able to honor my friend and family member. I don't know how else to help them and sometimes feel that distance or silence is the only way not to remind them of their loss. I'm just not good with words directly. I always feel like I might say the wrong thing. If I am able to bring awareness to infertility through this process then maybe more people will be supportive and sensitive to those with the desire to care for children who are unable to conceive. I'm  sharing my journey with those who may be interested in this process and to give hope to those unable to carry their own child. Know that there are those of us out there who would be willing to carry a child for you.

...what's next? Stay tuned to find out!

Ambition

Ambition:

That's what my first post is all about. Ambition to achieve the goals from within. I've always been one to go after what I want but until recently, I've tended to put my wants aside to tend to my family, job, and the business of life. I had stopped for just a moment to take a breath one day and realized there are things I want to do to start setting a better example for my children. To show them that anything is possible and that they are much stronger than they think they are. How better to do that than to lead by example.

Last year I was pretty overweight. I've been on a journey to loose weight (for reasons I'll share in upcoming posts) and become more healthy. Since last October I've lost a grand total of 43 pounds. Yeay me! It's been hard work but I've learned to eat better, exercise more, and found confidence in who I am. With all the change I still felt like there was more in me to tap into.

I decided a few weeks back to start running. I hate running! What was I thinking? But I must admit that as I started (with my husband by my side) I kinda got hooked. I'm a pretty competitive person who is married to a competitive natured husband...I couldn't not run in front of him! My hubby is very athletic and far surpasses me in strength and endurance. He's my inspiration. As I made him run with me to keep me motivated, he began telling me how proud he was of me. Now, I know he loves me and would do anything for me, but it's always wonderful to have your spouse encourage and remind you verbally of his feelings.

So today I just ran a whopping almost 2 miles for the first time. I know...I'm not ready to enter a major marathon yet but I'm doing more today than I ever could have imagined. I even got my 13 year old and her BFF to run with me last weekend. They were great! So proud of them. And they didn't complain once. Now I'm inspired to try to run a greater distance. There is an annual 5 mile race coming up in our little town for the 4th of July. I really want to do it.  Can I? I don't know, but I'm going to try. I just found this training schedule and I'm hoping to give it my best efforts to run this race.

 Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1

I'm also learning to be content and enjoy the adventure along the way. Even if I don't run in the upcoming race, I can still be content to know that my body is becoming more healthy with each day I put one foot in front of the other. If I can inspire even one person to try one thing outside of their comfort zone, then this post is well shared. We are stronger than we think! Just gotta dig deep within.